Back in Time Today
Eddie Izzard is a comedy legend known for blending history, surrealism, and quick-witted storytelling into stand-up performances that are as intelligent as they are hilarious. Here are 21 of Eddie’s best jokes that showcase a mind that works in ways the rest of us can only admire.
1. French Accent Mastery
“I learned French when I was 16. I found out that people speak it fast, so I just learned to speak English fast in a French accent. It works 80% of the time. The other 20% I just nod and say ‘Oui, baguette!'”
This joke shows Eddie’s knack for adapting to situations with humor. The idea of pretending proficiency by adjusting his native language subtly critiques the pressures of societal expectations in language learning. It also highlights his ability to find humor in everyday challenges, making language barriers seem less intimidating and more entertaining.
2. Cat and Dog Hierarchy
“Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. And if you think you’re their owner, congratulations—you’re the head butler.”
Eddie uses this joke to poke fun at the universal truth about pet ownership dynamics. Dogs, often seen as loyal companions, contrast cats, who act as if they own the place. The clever twist lies in suggesting that cat ‘owners’ are actually serving their feline overlords. Izzard’s humor brings laughter by flipping roles and presenting an exaggerated reality many pet owners can humorously relate to. Who’s in charge isn’t always as clear-cut as it seems, especially with cats.
3. Fashion in Trees
“I run, I jump, I climb trees. I put on make-up when I’m up there. Because if you’re going to be chased out of a tree, might as well look fabulous.”
This amusing visual of climbing trees in full makeup showcases Eddie’s surreal approach to comedy. The idea of looking fabulous even in odd situations is a testament to his unique blend of self-expression and humor. By merging the absurd with the everyday, Izzard challenges norms and encourages embracing one’s true self, regardless of context. At its core, the joke celebrates individuality and the joy of being unapologetically oneself.
4. Judging History
“There’s a lot of history in the world. And if you don’t know it, it’s still there. Staring at you. Judging.”
Eddie’s humor often involves a clever interplay with history, and this joke encapsulates that. By personifying history as a judgmental observer, he brings a relatable yet exaggerated perspective on how the past can feel omnipresent. It humorously reflects the pressure to be knowledgeable about historical events while acknowledging how overwhelming that task can be. Izzard’s comedy encourages audiences to engage with history without fear, turning what can be daunting into something light-hearted and approachable.
5. Roman Contributions
“What did the Romans ever do for us? Roads, aqueducts, sanitation, medicine… but apart from that, absolutely bugger all!”
This joke is a classic example of Eddie Izzard’s skill at turning historical facts into comedy. By listing significant Roman contributions with a dismissive attitude, he highlights the irony in underappreciating pivotal advancements. The humor lies in the juxtaposition of acknowledging these essential contributions while pretending they are trivial. Izzard’s playful sarcasm invites audiences to reconsider how history is often undervalued, encouraging a more appreciative view of historical achievements through a comedic lens.
6. Toaster’s Dark Side
“I bought a toaster that has a setting that lets you burn the toast. That’s not a feature, that’s an arsonist’s training program.”
Eddie Izzard’s humor often finds the absurdity in everyday objects, as seen in this joke about toasters. By whimsically suggesting that burnt toast is part of a nefarious scheme, he turns a mundane kitchen mishap into an elaborate and humorous conspiracy. The joke reflects his ability to transform simple observations into laugh-out-loud punchlines, encouraging audiences to see the humor in routine frustrations. It’s a playful reminder not to take everyday annoyances too seriously.
7. God’s Drunken Plan
“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan. Or a very, very drunk project manager.”
Eddie’s wit shines in this joke, as he compares divine plans to chaotic project management. By drawing parallels between divine providence and human error, he humorously critiques the often unpredictable nature of life. This comedic exaggeration highlights the randomness of existence, providing a humorous take on the complexities we face. Izzard’s ability to draw such parallels in a relatable way invites audiences to laugh at life’s uncertainties rather than be overwhelmed by them.
8. Windows Shutdown Irony
“You have to press ‘Start’ to shut down a Windows computer. That’s like putting the ‘Abandon Ship’ button inside a locked cupboard labeled ‘DO NOT TOUCH.’”
This joke captures Eddie’s knack for highlighting the absurdities in everyday technology. By turning a common computer instruction into a humorous analogy, he points out the irony and confusion in modern interfaces. The imagery of abandoning ship adds a layer of surreal humor, prompting laughter from anyone who’s wrestled with tech. Izzard’s playful exploration of technological quirks encourages audiences to find humor in the frustratingly complex digital world we navigate daily.
9. Death Star Canteen
“The Death Star Canteen – Darth Vader trying to get his lunch. ‘I am your father… and I’d like a penne arrabiata, please.’ ‘Do you want cheese on that?’ ‘I find your lack of parmesan disturbing.’”
Eddie’s mastery of combining pop culture with humor is evident in this joke. By envisioning a mundane canteen scenario in the epic Star Wars universe, he creates a hilarious contrast between the ordinary and the iconic. This absurd situation adds layers to the familiar characters, transforming them into sources of humor. Izzard’s ability to blend different worlds showcases his creative genius in crafting memorable comedic moments.
10. Cake or Death
“We’re out of cake. So my choice is… or death? I mean, I’ll take death, but only if it comes with ice cream.”
Eddie’s joke about choices highlights his skill in turning simple dilemmas into comedic gold. By juxtaposing the absurdity of choosing between cake and death, he crafts a scenario that is both ridiculous and relatable. The unexpected twist of adding ice cream adds an extra layer of humor, emphasizing the triviality of the decision. This clever play on choice and consequence reflects Izzard’s unique perspective on life, encouraging audiences to find humor in the trivial yet universal dilemmas we face.
11. British vs. American English
“The British say ‘lift,’ the Americans say ‘elevator.’ We say ‘holiday,’ they say ‘vacation.’ I say ‘herbal,’ they say ‘herbal’… because there’s a f***ing ‘H’ in it! It’s not silent, it’s just waiting for its moment.”
Eddie Izzard’s humor in this joke arises from exploring the differences between British and American English. Through a playful critique of pronunciation, he highlights linguistic quirks with wit and affection. The emphasis on the letter ‘H’ adds an engaging layer to the joke, showcasing his love for language and its eccentricities. Izzard’s comedic take on these differences invites audiences to appreciate and laugh at the delightful variations in language.
12. The Art of Queuing
“We Brits love a queue. Even if we don’t know what it’s for, we’ll join it. Could be for cake, could be for death. Either way, we’re polite about it.”
Eddie captures a quintessentially British trait with this joke, turning the mundane act of queuing into a comedic observation. By juxtaposing the trivial and the extreme, he humorously highlights the dedication to politeness. The idea of queuing for death or cake humorously exaggerates the British penchant for lines, making the ordinary seem absurdly significant. Izzard’s ability to find humor in cultural norms encourages audiences to reflect on and embrace societal idiosyncrasies with a smile.
13. Beekeepers’ Dress Code
“Beekeepers wear white so they don’t annoy the bees. Who came up with that? ‘Bees like white.’ Really? Have you asked them? ‘Excuse me, Mr. Bee, how do you feel about pastels?’”
This joke exemplifies Eddie Izzard’s talent for questioning conventional wisdom through humor. By playfully interrogating the logic behind beekeepers’ attire, he adds a whimsical touch to the everyday. The absurdity of conversing with bees about color preferences highlights his knack for crafting surreal scenarios that challenge common assumptions. Izzard’s comedic exploration of such topics invites audiences to rethink accepted norms and enjoy the absurdity in everyday life.
14. Boys and Girls Logic
“Boys go, ‘Hey, let’s see what happens if we set this on fire!’ Girls go, ‘Why? That’s stupid.’ And that’s why women live longer and men hold the world record for most hospital visits per stupid decision.”
Eddie Izzard’s humor often highlights gender differences with charm and wit, as seen in this joke. By juxtaposing reckless curiosity with sensible caution, he humorously critiques typical behaviors associated with boys and girls. The exaggerated differences in logic reflect real-life observations, adding a layer of relatability. Izzard’s ability to find humor in gender dynamics encourages audiences to laugh at stereotypes while subtly questioning them.
15. Unexpected Machine Logic
“‘Unexpected item in bagging area.’ I put it there! The only unexpected item is YOU, machine! What’s next? ‘Unexpected life choice in career area’?”
Eddie’s joke about self-checkout machines transforms a common frustration into a humorous observation. By personifying the machine’s error message, he highlights the absurdity of technology’s limitations. The playful escalation to “unexpected life choice” adds a surreal twist, inviting laughter from anyone who’s battled automated systems. Izzard’s ability to draw humor from everyday annoyances reflects his keen observational skills, encouraging audiences to approach technological challenges with laughter rather than frustration, finding the comic relief in modern life.
16. Safety Demonstration Satire
“The safety demonstration is basically, ‘If we crash, pretend you’re skiing. And if the oxygen masks drop, good news, you’ll get a second to contemplate all your bad decisions.’”
Eddie’s take on airline safety demonstrations turns routine instructions into comedic commentary. By likening survival techniques to skiing, he humorously critiques the practicalities of in-flight advice. The dark humor of contemplating life choices adds a layer of relatability and wit, showcasing his ability to find comedy in serious situations. Izzard’s playful interpretation of safety protocols invites audiences to laugh at the obligatory rituals of air travel, transforming anxiety into amusement.
17. Flag Conquest Humor
“We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. ‘This is our country now.’ ‘But we live here!’ ‘Do you have a flag?’ ‘No.’ ‘Then sorry, it’s ours now. Also, we brought tea, so really, you should be thanking us.’”
Eddie Izzard uses this joke to satirize historical conquests with humor. By reducing complex geopolitical issues to the absurd simplicity of flag placement, he highlights the ridiculous nature of colonial logic. The additional mention of tea adds a quintessentially British touch, blending comedy with critique. Izzard’s ability to tackle serious topics with humor invites audiences to reflect on history’s complexities while enjoying the absurdity of past actions.
18. Spanish Speed Struggles
“I tried to learn Spanish, but they kept speaking it at me really fast. Rude. I wasn’t ready! Can we start with ‘Hola’ and work up to the speed of light?”
Eddie humorously captures the frustrations of language learning in this joke. By exaggerating the speed of Spanish speakers, he reflects the common struggle of keeping up with native conversation. The playful plea to start slowly adds a relatable touch, inviting laughter from anyone who has faced similar challenges. Izzard’s comedic take on this universal experience highlights his ability to turn personal anecdotes into shared humor, encouraging audiences not to take language barriers too seriously.
19. Cake Fork Logic
“We can go to the moon, but we still need a fork to eat cake. Explain that, science! Give me a floating anti-gravity cake fork or admit we’re still cavemen with WiFi.”
Eddie Izzard’s joke about cake forks cleverly critiques technological progress. By contrasting monumental achievements with everyday needs, he humorously questions priorities. The call for a floating fork highlights the absurdity of technological limitations in daily life, adding a whimsical touch. Izzard’s ability to blend science fiction with mundane realities invites audiences to reflect on how far we’ve come and where we still need innovation, wrapped in humor.
20. Nut Allergy Mystery
“How did we not know about nut allergies in the ‘50s? Did we just have loads of dead kids and nobody noticed? ‘Oh, Timmy’s gone? Well, he shouldn’t have had that peanut. Tragic, really. Anyway, more peanuts?’”
Eddie’s dark humor shines in this joke about historical ignorance of allergies. By juxtaposing the tragic with the dismissive, he highlights past naivety with biting wit. The nonchalant reaction to serious consequences critiques how health issues were previously overlooked. Izzard’s audacious approach to sensitive topics encourages audiences to reflect on progress in understanding allergies, using dark comedy to prompt awareness and laughter simultaneously.
21. Life’s Simple Lesson
“Everything I ever learned in life comes down to this: Try not to die. It’s bad for business, bad for your social life, and honestly, quite inconvenient.”
Eddie’s joke distills life’s complexities into a simple yet humorous maxim. By framing survival as a pragmatic concern, he highlights the absurdity of life’s challenges with a light-hearted touch. The idea that death is inconvenient adds a comedic twist, inviting audiences to view serious topics with humor. Izzard’s ability to turn existential musings into relatable comedy showcases his unique perspective, encouraging audiences to navigate life’s unpredictability with laughter and resilience.