Back in Time Today
Andrew Dice Clay made a name for himself with unapologetically brash humor, leather jackets, and a cigarette always halfway to his mouth. The ‘Diceman’ didn’t just tell jokes—he steamrolled them through the audience. Here are 10 classic-style jokes in the voice of the one and only Andrew Dice Clay.
1. Astrology
So I asked this girl, ‘You into astrology?’ She says, ‘I’m a Libra.’ I said, ‘Yeah? Well, I’m a Leo. Let’s roar, baby.’ With the swagger of someone who knows their way around the cosmos, Andrew Dice Clay delivers this line with a sly grin. Imagine the stars twinkling above as he charms his way through the night. The energy is raw, vibrant, and as loud as his persona, echoing the timeless dance between playful banter and cosmic wonder.
2. Doctor Visit
I went to the doctor. He said I gotta lose weight. I said, ‘How ’bout YOU lose my number, doc?’ OHH! In true Diceman fashion, he flips the script, turning a routine check-up into a comedic stand-off. His larger-than-life personality fills the room, leaving the doctor bemused and the audience roaring. Health advice meets humor, as Clay sidesteps the typical with his signature bravado, embracing a lifestyle where laughter reigns supreme.
3. Vegan Restaurant
I took a girl out to a vegan restaurant. She said, ‘This tofu is amazing.’ I said, ‘You wanna see something REALLY organic?’ Ba-da-bing! Picture the Diceman in a setting far removed from his usual haunts, navigating the world of quinoa and kale with his trademark irreverence. His punchline lands like a playful jab, bridging the gap between two worlds with laughter as the great equalizer. The ambiance is hip, yet Clay’s humor cuts through, proving some things never change.
4. Where Babies Come From
My kid asked me, ‘Daddy, where do babies come from?’ I said, ‘Ask your mother. She’s the one with the brochure!’ OHHHH! In this quintessential Clay moment, parental guidance meets comedic deflection. His larger-than-life personality turns a common parenting challenge into a spectacle, complete with theatrics and wry humor. The scene captures the essence of his approach to life’s awkward moments, proving laughter can be a family affair.
5. Teetotaler Date
I met a girl who said she doesn’t drink. I said, ‘Well, that makes two of us—after five shots.’ With a wink and a whiskey-laden chuckle, Clay navigates sobriety like only he can. His humor dances around the edges of restraint, turning a night out into a tale of contrasts. The bar is alive with laughter and clinking glasses, underscoring the Diceman’s timeless belief in humor’s ability to bridge any gap.
6. Space and Telescopes
The last girl I dated said she wanted more space. So I bought her a telescope. Now she’s cryin’ on Pluto! HOO! With his signature over-the-top style, Clay takes a universal relationship cliché and launches it into the stratosphere. He’s part comedian, part cosmic explorer, turning mundane complaints into celestial comedy. The night sky serves as both backdrop and metaphor, as he uses humor to navigate the complex cosmos of love.
7. Mother-in-Law Advice
My mother-in-law asked if I wanted advice. I said, ‘Sure, start with how NOT to be you.’ In a classic mother-in-law joke, Clay’s irreverent wit shines through as he tackles family dynamics with his characteristic flair. His punchline is sharp, yet playfully delivered, capturing the universal challenge of navigating in-law relationships. It’s a reminder that sometimes humor is the best way to cope with life’s interpersonal dramas.
8. Yoga and Bourbon
This girl told me she does yoga to center herself. I said, ‘I do bourbon. Same thing, less stretching.’ OHH! Clay’s comedic genius lies in his ability to juxtapose the serene with the spirited. Here, the tranquility of yoga meets the boisterousness of bourbon, challenging notions of balance with a mischievous wink. It’s a testament to his ability to find humor in contrast, celebrating the imperfections that make us human.
9. Romantic Roses
I was romantic once. Brought roses. She says, ‘What’s the occasion?’ I said, ‘You look like you need a reason to smile, sweetheart. And maybe take off your pants.’ With a flourish of flowers and a mischievous glint in his eye, Clay redefines romance in his own image. His humor is bold, unapologetic, and ever the provocateur, capturing the complexities of love with a cheeky twist.
10. Intimacy Issues
I told my therapist I’ve got intimacy issues. He said, ‘Let’s talk about it.’ I said, ‘I JUST DID!’ Clay’s humor turns introspection into infectious laughter, making therapy a stage for his comedic confessions. His larger-than-life persona tackles vulnerability with a disarming grin, proving that sometimes the best way to face our issues is with a punchline.