Back in Time Today
Tom Segura is one of the sharpest stand-up comedians in the game, known for his dry delivery, savage takes, and effortless storytelling. His humor is equal parts relatable and brutal, making him one of the funniest voices in comedy today.
Here are 17 of his best jokes that showcase his wit and unapologetic style.
1. Living Like It’s Your Last
“I love when people say, ‘You should live every day like it’s your last.’ Really? So just scream at everyone and cry a lot?”
Segura’s dry humor shines as he mocks common life advice that, upon reflection, seems impractical. His wit lies in questioning the feasibility of such sayings, making us laugh at the absurdity. By turning conventional wisdom on its head, Segura invites us to reconsider how we approach life and the clichés we accept without thinking. It’s a humorous nudge to not take everything too seriously and enjoy the moment without unnecessary drama.
2. Lazy Sleep Champion
“I’m not saying I’m lazy, but if dying in my sleep was a job, I’d already be employee of the month.”
Segura’s talent for self-deprecating humor is evident here. He transforms a simple statement about laziness into a hilarious proclamation of his imaginary ‘accomplishments.’ This joke resonates with anyone who has ever felt the pull of a cozy bed over responsibilities. By laughing at our own tendencies, Segura’s humor becomes both relatable and comforting. It’s a playful reminder that perhaps we all need a little more rest, and that’s perfectly okay.
3. Running for Fun
“I don’t understand people who run for fun. If you see me running, you should run too—because something’s chasing me.”
This joke captures Segura’s knack for turning personal disinterest into comedic gold. By exaggerating his aversion to running, he humorously aligns with those who dread the exercise. His imagery of being chased adds a playful twist, making us imagine the absurdity. Segura’s joke is a light-hearted jab at fitness culture, encouraging us to laugh at our own exercise habits and perhaps reconsider our own definition of fun.
4. Doctor’s Water Advice
“I went to the doctor and he told me I needed to drink more water. I said, ‘That’s crazy—I’ve already been drinking some water.’”
Segura’s humor thrives on everyday scenarios, questioning health advice with his usual sass. This joke uses the common suggestion of drinking more water to highlight how we often feel we’ve done ‘enough.’ His casual retort to the doctor is both relatable and amusing, reminding us of our frequent underestimations of health recommendations. Segura’s wit encourages us to laugh at our own stubbornness and perhaps rethink our approach to simple health advice.
5. Achievement of Aging
“People talk about getting older like it’s some kind of achievement. No, you just didn’t die. That’s it.”
Segura’s blunt wit is on full display here, poking fun at societal attitudes towards aging. His brutally honest take strips away the usual reverence for growing older, replacing it with humor. By reducing aging to its bare essentials, Segura invites us to laugh at the simplicity of surviving another year. It’s a refreshing reminder not to take life too seriously and to find humor in the mere act of existing year after year.
6. Loving Your Job
“I don’t trust people who say they ‘love’ their job. If I won the lottery, I’d be at work the next day—but just to rub it in everyone’s face before quitting.”
Segura’s skepticism about job satisfaction is humorously cynical. His joke taps into the fantasy of escaping work upon hitting the jackpot, an idea many secretly harbor. The exaggeration of returning to gloat adds a cheeky layer, making it even funnier. With this quip, Segura captures the everyday daydreams of workers everywhere, serving as a humorous reminder of the universal wish for financial freedom.
7. Jet Ski Happiness
“People say, ‘Money can’t buy happiness.’ Sure, but it can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Didn’t think so.”
Segura nails the truth with his sharp observation about how material things can boost moods, at least temporarily. His joke highlights our pursuit of happiness through tangible objects, making us laugh while provoking some thought about our own desires. Next time you see someone on a jet ski, remember Segura’s quip and smile at the simple joys in life, even if they’re just fueled by horsepower on water.
8. Grocery Store Snacks
“A lady at the grocery store saw me buying a lot of snacks and said, ‘Stocking up?’ No, Susan. I just eat like this every day.”
Segura’s comedic prowess lies in his ability to find humor in mundane interactions. His casual retort to the nosy shopper is both sharp and hilarious. By candidly admitting to his snack habit, Segura connects with anyone who’s ever faced judgment while shopping. This joke turns a common scenario into a moment of self-acceptance and humor, encouraging us to laugh at our indulgences and embrace our true selves.
9. Rich Enough for Guacamole
“The only thing I really want in life is to be rich enough to never have to check my bank account before ordering extra guacamole.”
Segura humorously captures a universal aspiration with his specific wish for financial comfort. The joke highlights the small luxuries in life, like extra guacamole, that sometimes seem out of reach. This relatable quip turns a minor indulgence into a symbol of wealth, making it funny and poignant. Segura’s wit shines as he invites us to laugh at our own financial priorities and the simple pleasures we all crave.
10. Gym Jeans Confusion
“I saw a guy at the gym wearing jeans. That’s like bringing a toaster into a swimming pool—clearly, you don’t understand what’s happening here.”
Segura’s observational humor is spot-on, using vivid imagery to highlight a gym faux pas. By comparing jeans in a gym to a toaster in a pool, he paints a picture of complete misunderstanding. This joke resonates with anyone who’s ever witnessed strange behavior at the gym. Segura’s wit is a reminder of the unspoken rules we follow and how we can find humor in everyday missteps.
11. WiFi Router Struggles
“Nothing makes you question your own intelligence like setting up a new WiFi router. I swear, I almost called NASA for help.”
Segura captures the universal frustration of technology with his light-hearted exaggeration. His comparison to needing NASA’s assistance highlights just how confusing modern gadgets can be. This joke speaks to anyone who’s ever felt overwhelmed by tech, making it both relatable and hilarious. Segura’s humor invites us to laugh at our tech struggles and embrace the occasional confusion as part of living in a digital age.
12. Remembering Useless Facts
“I have an amazing ability to remember useless facts and song lyrics from the ‘90s, but if you ask me what I just walked into a room for, I have no idea.”
Segura’s humor reflects common memory quirks, turning them into comedic insight. By contrasting his recall of trivial information with everyday forgetfulness, he highlights a universal experience. This joke resonates with anyone who’s ever been baffled by their own mind’s priorities. Segura’s wit encourages us to laugh at our mental mishaps, finding comfort in the shared absurdity of human memory.
13. Round is a Shape
“People say, ‘You should get into shape.’ Round is a shape. I already did it.”
Segura’s clever wordplay turns a common fitness suggestion into a humorous declaration of self-acceptance. By redefining ‘shape,’ he humorously challenges conventional health advice. This joke resonates with anyone who’s ever resisted societal pressures to conform to fitness ideals. Segura’s wit serves as a reminder that embracing oneself is more important than fitting into a mold. It’s a playful encouragement to find humor in our own bodies and reject unrealistic expectations with a smile.
14. Disliking Kids
“I love when someone tells me, ‘I don’t like kids.’ Yeah, me neither, but I made some and now it’s my responsibility.”
Segura’s humor shines through his candid acknowledgment of parental realities. By admitting to a common sentiment in a light-hearted way, he connects with parents who’ve felt the same. This joke highlights the unexpected challenges of parenthood, emphasizing the responsibility that comes with it. Segura’s wit turns a potentially negative sentiment into a humorous acceptance of life’s choices, encouraging laughter and camaraderie among fellow parents.
15. Fitness Tracker Truth
“I have a fitness tracker. It basically just tells me when I’m about to die.”
Segura’s dry humor targets the modern obsession with health gadgets, playfully critiquing their alarming notifications. By exaggerating the tracker’s function, he highlights the anxiety these devices can induce. This joke resonates with anyone who’s ever been concerned by a fitness metric, making it both funny and thought-provoking. Segura’s quip encourages us to laugh at our reliance on technology to monitor our lives, reminding us that sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
16. Qualifications Required
“My parents always told me, ‘You can be anything you want.’ Turns out, that was a lie. Apparently, you need ‘qualifications.’”
Segura’s humor cuts through childhood promises, revealing the harsh realities of adult life. By juxtaposing parental encouragement with actual job expectations, he creates a relatable and amusing truth. This joke speaks to anyone who’s ever faced disillusionment in their career pursuits. Segura’s wit reminds us of the gap between youthful dreams and adult realities, encouraging a laugh at the societal hurdles we encounter.
17. Snacking During Kidnapping
“If I ever get kidnapped, I hope the kidnapper’s car ride is long enough for me to finish my snack. Priorities.”
Segura’s humor turns a potentially frightening scenario into a comedic reflection on personal priorities. By focusing on the absurdity of snack importance, he lightens the mood around a serious topic. This joke resonates with anyone who’s ever prioritized minor comforts over pressing issues. Segura’s wit encourages us to find humor in unlikely situations, reminding us that sometimes laughter can defuse tension and offer a fresh perspective.