Back in Time Today
Paul Reiser has a gift for turning everyday life into comedy gold. With a tone that blends classic New York neuroticism with observational charm, he pokes fun at relationships, parenting, and the tiny annoyances that come with being a grown-up human being. Here are 19 jokes that capture his signature brand of smart, self-deprecating humor.
1. The Locked Door Dilemma
Marriage is just two people asking each other, “Did you lock the door?” on a loop for the rest of their lives. And you can never just trust the other person. One of you has to physically get out of bed, in the dark, barefoot, walk to the door, check it, come back—and even then, there’s a 50% chance you’ll ask again in 10 minutes.
2. The Joys of Adulthood
I don’t know why people get so excited about being adults. It’s bills, stress, trying to remember your passwords, and attempting to open packaging that requires a team of engineers and a crowbar. Being an adult is just slowly realizing everything fun is bad for you and everything good for you is kale.
3. The Milk Quest
When you’re young, you go out because you want to meet people, make memories. When you’re older, you go out because you ran out of milk and you need it for your cereal and also your bones.
4. Smart TV Troubles
I bought a smart TV. It’s smarter than me. It talks back. It recommends shows I don’t want, tracks what I watch, judges me silently. “Are you still watching?” Yes, TV. I’ve been watching for 7 hours and I plan to die here. Stop shaming me.
5. The Grocery Gamble
My wife asked me to pick up one thing at the store. Just one. I came home with 17 unrelated items—none of them helpful. I got hummus, batteries, novelty socks, and something called oat water. She looked at me like I had returned from a mission and failed the objective. And I still forgot the milk.
6. The IKEA Adventure
There’s no such thing as a quick trip to IKEA. You go in for a lamp, you leave six hours later with three shelves you don’t need, a drawer you’ll never assemble, emotional damage, and a suspicious amount of lingonberry jam.
7. Flexible Plans
We used to make plans like, “Let’s meet at 8.” Now we make plans that include an emergency exit. “We’ll say 7, but no pressure. If you’re tired, just text a ghost emoji.”
8. Band-Aid Beliefs
Parenting is basically just trying to keep someone alive who thinks Band-Aids cure everything and that hiding behind a curtain makes them invisible. It’s a 24/7 gig where your job is explaining why we can’t have cookies for breakfast… again.
9. Fitness Tracker Triumph
I finally got a fitness tracker. It congratulated me for standing up. Literally said, “Great job!” I stood up. I didn’t run a marathon. At this rate, I’m gonna win an Olympic medal for walking to the bathroom.
10. DIY Disaster
Every time I try to fix something around the house, I make it worse. I tighten one screw and five others explode. I end up calling a professional who charges me $300 to ask, “Who touched this before me?”
11. Landline Lessons
My son asked me what a landline was. I said, “It was a phone attached to a wall. If it rang, the whole house panicked. You didn’t know who it was. It was like spinning a wheel of doom.”
12. Stationary Workout
You know you’re getting older when you bend down to tie your shoes and think, “What else can I do while I’m down here? Check for dust? Look for the remote? Call it a workout?”
13. Meditation Mishap
I tried meditation. Sat down, closed my eyes, breathed in, breathed out… and immediately remembered every awkward thing I’ve ever said since 1997. Thanks, mindfulness, now I can’t sleep.
14. Dinner Conversations
Dinner with friends used to be wine, laughter, dreams. Now it’s “What’s your cholesterol?” “You still doing dairy?” “Anyone know a good back doctor?” We laugh between pill reminders.
15. The Youth Paradox
They say kids keep you young. They also say war builds character. Same vibe. You’re constantly under fire, exhausted, confused, and no one follows orders.
16. Sleep Technology
I got a new mattress with “sleep technology.” It tracks your heart rate, sleep cycles, body temperature. You know what helps me sleep? Not knowing that stuff. Let me toss and turn in peace. I don’t need a performance review from my bed.
17. GPS Guidance
My GPS says, “In 500 feet, turn left.” I nod, say okay, and promptly miss the turn because I was overthinking the meaning of “feet.” Now it’s “recalculating,” which is GPS for “You absolute disappointment.”
18. The Search for Glasses
My doctor said I should walk more. So now I walk around the house yelling, “Where are my glasses?” I get 3,000 steps in before I realize they’re on my head.
19. Common Sense and Scissors
I asked my wife where the scissors are. She said, “Same place as your common sense.” That wasn’t helpful, but it was accurate. I still haven’t found the scissors—but I did find a deeper understanding of our marriage.